Consent in the Era of “Me Too”
A few months back, I wrote a piece about consent and how it’s not required for women to give it in our society. It seems that I have misrepresented that piece because some people who present in their comment boxes as men seem to take that article to mean sex. Now, I suppose I can see the confusion. The distance between sexual touch and sex can be very close for some people. But, in an effort to clear the air and explain myself better, let me tell you what I actually meant by “consent not required.”
When my daughters were in elementary school, I would often park my car near their school and walk the few blocks to the library to write some afternoons. That way I could get some work done and I wouldn’t be left without a parking spot during pickup time. Several times during these walks, there were two older men who stood outside of one of the houses and would try to engage me in conversation. They always made sure to tell me to smile. I looked so pretty when I smiled.
And, I hear the dissent already. “What’s wrong with them trying to talk to you?” “Aren’t you just being a nitpicky bitch?” “They were only trying to be nice.” “You’re taking this too far, it’s just guys talking to you.” And the list goes on. Because, see, my consent for the conversation doesn’t matter. They tried to talk to me, so I should be ’nice’ and oblige them regardless of whether or not I wanted to engage in any form of conversation. Whether or not I wanted to be left to my own thoughts or not.
When I was eighteen, I worked as a waitress in a local diner. We had uniforms and the women were required to wear skirts at the time. My male presenting customers found nothing wrong with patting my hand or my hip or my back as I poured their coffee. My body was theirs to touch as they pleased. I had no option but to smile and brush it off. I needed the job. I needed the money to pay for college. My consent was not required.
And, sadly, these aren’t my only example. Nor are they rare. Women are expected to engage. If someone compliments us, we must respond. If someone says ‘hello’, we are required to reciprocate. If someone buys us a drink, we are required to act generous. If someone holds a door for us, we are expected to smile and thank them. Okay, that last one, anyone should do that because otherwise it’s just rude.
However, there are the videos of the ‘entitled’ woman and the ‘nice’ guy and the fantasy where he chivalrously holds the door that she walks through without so much as an acknowledgement of his generous act of kindness. In retaliation, he drags her back through the door and slams it in her face. Because, the reality is, he wasn’t doing that act of kindness to be nice, he was doing it because of the expectation that she would express gratitude.
It’s the story of the ‘nice’ guy who has been ‘friend-zoned.’ It’s the outrage he expresses when she ‘only dates assholes’ and never sees him as anything other than a friend. As if our friendship isn’t good enough unless we let you in our pants as well. Our consent isn’t required for these guys to imagine us together. Our lives only matter in the ways we can benefit these men. And, if we don’t comply, well, there exists story after story of these ’nice guys’ murdering the women who friend-zoned them.
That’s the thing, guys. We aren’t ever really sure which of you is going to flip the switch. We don’t know who is the true nice guy and who is the one who has the ulterior motive. Are we safe with you or are you another one of those? So we play nice and we smile even when it kills us inside to do so. We don’t make waves. We make apologies for our bodies. We shrink into meek characters who dare not draw too much attention.
But, that is changing and some people seem to struggle with that change. They claim to be afraid of women. They don’t know how to talk to them. They don’t know what to say. They could end up in a lawsuit if they say the wrong thing unintentionally.
There’s a nifty little trick to help you all out. Before you give the compliment; before you touch her on her back; before you remind her to smile, ask yourself one question — would I do this if this person presented as male? It’s simple. If the answer is yes, then carry on. But, we will expect you to call your male-presenting co-workers ‘hon’ and remind them to smile.
